I Swear

Contents may offend. Proceed with care.

My 8 year old twin girls have a new catchphrase. It is “What the H?”

Not “What the hell?” or “What the heck?” They actually say “What the H?”

I think they started off saying “What the heck” but were convinced by a family member that this was just like saying “What the hell” which is bad apparently.

It is funny to hear their first innocent attempts at swearing. I know it shouldn’t be funny, especially as a mum who is trying to set a good example for her kids.

Swearing can be a bit of a grey area though, and I’ve never read any advice about it. People just have different standards and make up the rules as they go along - like parenting in general really.

It was not a grey area when I was a kid though. It was a completely no-go zone. My mother could really display her wrath if we dared swear. (Even when I innocently asked her what a particular Samoan word meant.)The irony was that one her favourite movies is Beverly Hills Cop. Who can blame her? It’s a classic - but it contains several F-Bombs.

Recently my dad sheepishly confessed to me that he swore in front of my kids.

“Oh dear!” I said, feigning shock. “What did you say?” (That is – “What can I blame on you later?”)
“I said ‘bloody’” he confessed.

“Oh, is that all.”

Little did he know that his two year old grandson was saying “What the f@#k!” at one point after a certain Huz, I mean a certain person said that in front of him. Even though it is hilarious hearing a toddler say “What the f@#k” - I realise it is also completely wrong. (So please stop judging me.)

The rules and standards around swearing continue into adulthood and like a lot of things, it can be linked to childhood. I have a funny story to illustrate this. (Brace yourself.)

I don’t really say ‘f@#k, as in my upbringing it would literally result in having your mouth washed out with soap.
(By the way, I don’t know why I bother typing ‘f@#k’ because we all know that when you see ‘f@#k’, you are not reading ‘F-at sign-hash tag-k’. You are reading, well we know what you are reading. But I will keep up the polite pretence.)

So as I was saying even though I don’t often use that word, there is another word, that I did not hear until I was an adult, and I didn’t realise that some people find it even more shocking than ‘the F word’. Not until I encouraged someone to tell a story that involved this word.
"Tell the c@#t story!" I said.
I really made an impression.

The word that I find most hurtful is ‘bitch’. I have been called that twice in my adult life (to my face anyway) in very different circumstances and both times it felt like a knife to the heart. Strangely though, I don’t have much of a problem hearing it in movies or on TV, so it is not the word itself that is offensive.

On a similar note, I barely find the word ‘shit’ offensive at all. But I do not want to say it around my kids.

When it comes to ‘the F word’ there is definitely only a certain number of times I can hear it in a movie until I feel like my ears are being polluted. I call that the Beverly Hills Cop Barometer.

The phrase that I find most offensive is when people use ‘Jesus Christ’ as a swear word. When I hear that, I secretly whisper “Is Lord”. However, I often say “Oh Lord” so what is the difference? Well, in my heart I know that I am actually crying out for help, but I suppose other people may not know that, others may think I am swearing. So does that mean I should stop saying it?

So you see, it is quite complicated this swearing business.
When does a swear word become a swear word?

Is saying “What the heck?” really as bad as saying “What the hell?” because the intent is still there? If that is true then I am doomed to failure. Some of my favourite phrases would be treated as swear words because instead of the stock-standard curses, I revert to a long list of alternatives; which include Crickey Malikey, Monkeys, Jeez Louise, Scheisse, Crap, Fudge Nugget, Buggery Bollocks and more.

When I swear, I am usually stressed and these words and phrases kind of cheer me up in a weird way. Are they that bad? Ok Buggery bollocks is pretty bad, but are the others really that bad?

I long time ago someone challenged me regarding this very subject.

I said “Oh fudge!” in front of a lovely Christian girl who then said to me, “Why do you say that? Don’t you know that it is just as bad as the other word because of the way you’re saying it?”

Being far too cheeky for my own good, I replied, “You’re right. Oh fuck!”
It turns out she was wrong. “Oh fudge” was much better.
She was not amused but I thought it was funny as H.