My Week in Tanzania: Days Five & Six

Catch up on Days Three & Four

Day Five

The confident children of Nkoma

The children at this primary school in Nkoma are a delight. There are so many girls, which is a great sign of development in an area where an educated girl is not worth as much as a girl with no education when it comes time to marry.

In Luguru as soon as my camera came out the children would run away. In Nkoma they fight to get in the shot! I love their playful confidence.

The headmaster of this school is a fresh-faced, enthusiastic young man. He tells us how thankful and fortunate he feels for all the assistance the school has received from World Vision, including classrooms, an office, a water tank, desks and books.

He tells us that because of these improvements, school attendance has increased and children are achieving better results.

Girls from another primary school in Nkoma learn
about hygiene at one of the shallow wells.

Last year, 25 out of 46 students at this school graduated from 7^th grade to secondary school. That number seems far from satisfactory, especially for an area where World Vision is removing its assistance. I asked how many students would have graduated before World Vision’s help. His reply was – at the most – four.

There is a long journey ahead for Nkoma but for this school to go from having 8% of students graduate, to 54% is a massive achievement.

It is so important to look at where these communities have come from and not just where they are, and to give them the grace to continue on their journey.

Some children leave home when they are adults, while some leave home when they are still teenagers. They may technically be able to look after themselves, but they still have some lessons to learn. Nkoma ADP is a mature teenager about to leave the care of its parent – World Vision. However, World Vision will be there to counsel and guide if needed.

Although the initiatives that the community wanted World Vision to help them with have been completed, not all are fully utilised yet.  It is a reflection of a model of development that World Vision has learnt from and has caused us to focus more on empowerment, as witnessed in Budekwa and Luguru.

This is not to say that the achievements in Nkoma have been in vain – far from it. The health centre, shallow wells, the dam, the schools, and so on have set a solid foundation for the community to build on so that the lives of families continue to improve. It is clear that the leaders of Nkoma have the vision for this to happen.

When God appeared to Moses and told him to deliver His people from Egypt, Moses felt so incapable of doing what the Lord was asking. So God  asked Him, “What do you have in your hand?” All he had was a shepherd’s staff – but God was able to use that, even to part the Red Sea.

The people of Nkoma have a lot in their hands, which they can do so much with. I look forward to celebrating these things with them tomorrow at the closing ceremony.
View the achievements in Nkoma on the WVNZ website

Day Six

In my WV gear for the Closing Ceremony

The closing ceremony was quite emotional for me. It was touching to hear how far the community has come in so many areas.

 A community leader shared many achievements;  farmers now harvest 17 bags of maize per acre instead of 4, cows produce 12 litres of milk per day instead of 1, 99% of children attend school instead of 50%. The achievements went on and on. But there are still challenges. So he called on the local government to support the community.

The government officials responded in the affirmative. They say that they are here to ensure that the development work continues and does not go backwards. If the government and the community can work together to make this happen, there will be a bright future ahead for Nkoma.


Seth Le Leu, the Chief Advisor for
International Development and HEA at
WVNZ, but more importantly - my travel
buddy, gives a speech on behalf of
WVNZ and the Kiwi sponsors of Nkoma.
(Translated into Swahili here by
Machibya Mwalla, our excellent host from
WV Tanzania.)

It was wonderful to hear World Vision being honoured by the people. They acknowledged that World Vision worked with people regardless of tribe, religion or gender. This is something that I have told many sponsors over the years so to hear it being testified by those who experienced it makes me so proud.

Most of all, it was moving to hear our sponsors acknowledged. The people know that sponsors are not necessarily rich and they appreciate their commitment to supporting Nkoma.

As a Kiwi, I am so proud that 5000 New Zealanders have changed the lives of 50,000 people, including 23,000 children, half way around the world in Nkoma. The impact of a little country like New Zealand helping Tanzanians who they will never meet will last long after the final dollar is donated.

The Regional Commissioner put it best at the ceremony – “This kind of giving is not about wealth, it is about the heart. If we can learn from this kind of giving, we will be able to move ahead.”

Party time!

Some of the children of Nkoma, sharing
about the changes in their community
in the form of a rap

Now I am starting the long journey home and there is a lot for me to reflect on.

At the beginning of the week, when we arrived in Mwanza, it rained and our driver told us that if it rains on the day that you arrive in a place, it is a sign that you are bringing a blessing. Only the people I have encountered will be able to say whether that has been the case. I pray it has.

This lovely little boy Joseph really liked me,
and/or my camera

How blessed I have been this week! It is a blessing just to be in Africa, this vast and beautiful continent with amazing people. It is a place with so many resources and so much potential. I can understand why many people lose their hearts in Africa, even though I have only glimpsed Tanzania.

Surprisingly, the people who have made the biggest impression on me during this trip is our World Vision staff who live and work in the communities. I could write about them all day long. These wonderful Tanzanians, a few of them from the areas where we are working, are some of the loveliest people I have ever met. They are passionate about seeing the lives of the communities they work with change for the better. Some of them sacrifice a lot to achieve that, including living apart from their own families.

I have witnessed their determination at the beginning of a project, as they come to terms with the many barriers to development and prepare to work with the communities for the next 15 years to create sustainable solutions.

I have seen them struggle with loss as the project enters its final year. These communities are not just ‘projects’ to them, they are friends and family and it is a bittersweet time as they prepare to say farewell.

I have enjoyed celebrating their successes and seen the pride in their eyes as the communities take their final steps towards having full responsibility for their own development.

My final reflection is this –

I have continually been prompted to think of when Thomas refused to believe that Jesus was risen. When he finally saw the Christ with His own eyes and touched His wounds,  Jesus said to him, “You believe because you have seen.  Blessed are those who believe but have not seen.”

Our sponsors are amazing. They believe in what we have seen. 

Seeing an image on a screen is nothing to seeing it in person. Yet our wonderful sponsors trust us, they believe in our testimony and they take action. They take a leap of faith when they sponsor a child, but we need to help them keep the faith by showing  them the impact of their financial sacrifice in the lives of all sponsored children and the communities we serve.

I never thought I would cry for our sponsors while I was in Tanzania, but I feel so privileged to get this opportunity to be here, a privilege that most of them will not have, and now this opportunity feels like a huge responsibility.  I leave Tanzania asking myself what I will do about what I have seen.

So perhaps I have been changed, just a little, after all.

Happy to be home with my proud family

http://www.worldvision.org.nz

My Week in Tanzania: Days Three & Four

Catch up on Days One & Two

Day Three
I have always thought of myself as someone who has an appreciation for the hard task ahead of our ADP staff. Now I know that I was not even close to comprehending the difficult issues they face.

This classroom is now too unsafe to use. 

Today we went to one of the Primary Schools in Luguru. The noise of hundreds of children is such a happy sound. Yet some of them were in classrooms with no furniture, some of the buildings were so unsafe that they were unusable, and instead of having the 49 toilets they require, they had 3. But there were bigger issues than what could be seen.

The children were moved to this classroom,
where they have no furniture.
The class that was in this room now meets outside. 

Only 40% of children in the community attend school and of those, only 50% finish primary school. Children are kept at home to work or look after other children, girls are given over to early marriage and boys have to take cattle to other areas in dry seasons.

We also went to a shallow well, which was not shallow at all. It was deep and dangerous. There, I learnt that the women are the lionesses of these communities. They collect the water, cook for their families and care for the animals. The men are busy – busy getting drunk. Alcoholism is a big problem. Men drink for pride. Men who do not drink are stigmatised.

The "shallow" well.

How do you change a culture? A mind-set? A tradition?

You can build a school but how do you convince families to send their children to school and not to work?

You can build wells, but how do you convince husbands to share the burden with their wives?

I cannot even convince my children to eat all their vegetables.
 

Some of the wonderful people of Luguru

But I see hope. My hope is in the people – in the community leader who has mobilised people to build and plaster classrooms at the school, because he says that the children in his community deserve better, and he has done this without WV’s help.

It is in Elizabeth, the midwife who has worked in the clinic in unbearable conditions for 10 years.

Volunteers hard at work in Luguru

It is in the attitude of so many of the men and women I met who want a better life for their families and are increasingly becoming brave enough to change.

My hope is also in the World Vision staff I have met in the ADP. They are incredible. They know the families and have gained their respect.

 

Some of the incredible staff in Luguru ADP

They have already faced struggles in visiting families to register children and dealt with suspicion that they would be taking the children away, even sacrificing them one day. The process of gaining the trust of the community has been a very long one, and it is ongoing. 

The heart of development is not about buildings or programmes, it is about people and I believe in the people of Luguru.

Not once have I felt like crying over their plight because they are not helpless. They are intelligent, hard-working, and ready to work even harder to change their communities. And they have to be so brave to do this, because this requires taking a risk.

We are asking farmers who have been growing cotton, rice and maize for generations, to try growing millet and sunflowers which is drought resistant. That is so easy for us to ask, but if the crop fails, it is the farmers and their families that will suffer. So our staff have a massive task of growing the confidence in the people they are working with, but they also require grace to allow the people to make their own decisions.

I believe that the staff at Luguru ADP can do this though. They are highly skilled and clearly love this community. They tell me with real conviction that they want Luguru to be the best ADP in the world. I believe they are on the way to making this a reality.
Find out more about Luguru on WVNZ's website

Day Four
We met the ADP manager for Budekwa for a short time the day before. He seemed very flat, no energy, even sad. Something was up.  We eventually realised what was going on when he informed us that there are only two staff in the ADP as of this week. Everyone else had moved on or been made redundant as part of the process of transitioning more responsibility to the communities.

Although this makes sense for an ADP that is one year from closing, it was clear to see that this was a man mourning the loss of his friends, perhaps even experiencing some survivor guilt. We feel so blessed to be here to encourage him as he embarks on this important final year. As we get to know him more he cheers up, laughs and jokes a lot. As he shows us around the community, we see what a capable man he is. We know he can finish this race well.

It is so encouraging to go to a place like Luguru, at the very early stages of the ADP, and then go to Budekwa.

Esther, one of the Well Management Committee
members, infront of one of the 120 wells in Budekwa..

I think of the shallow well that I saw just yesterday, and compare it to the one I have seen today. This well is safe, beautifully cared for and one of 120 in the area. The shallow wells the community once used are now only used for washing clothes and feeding animals.

Water is life. Having access to clean water means that the children do not get sick so often, which means they can go to school, which sets them on a path to a much brighter future.



Another contrast with Luguru is the pride on the faces of the women who are part of the community group responsible for raising the funds to help build and maintain the well.

“We are taking this well somewhere else”, we joke. “Over my dead body” they respond. “You can come and try out the well but you better take your shoes off!”

These women are proud and feisty and I love it.



Me, giving one of the wells a try,
with my shoes off of course

I compare them to the women of Luguru who, when asked, sounded so uncertain as to the difference they could make. In 15 years it would be great to go back and see if the women of Luguru develop the same confidence as these women of Budekwa.

I also saw the community in action through the local mill. Farmers do not have to travel to a mill far away. They can mill their crops locally, and the mill’s profits go towards caring for vulnerable children, particularly orphans, ensuring they are able to go to school.

These are great examples of the community helping themselves. World Vision just has one more year to help them – and then we can get out of the way.
 

The lovely Elizabeth

It was a truly great day that ended on such a high note. We met Elizabeth, a 16 year old sponsored child. This girl is a stunner, Her favourite subject is biology and she would like to be a nurse. The only sadness in meeting her was when she told us that she had not received anything from her sponsor since she was 10, even though she wrote to them every year. In her words, this made her feel terrible. We have to find a way to encourage sponsors to write to their children that does not make them feel guilty, but also does not sugar-coat the reality of the impact this has on children who send annual reports and greeting cards to our sponsors every year, but receive no reply.

However, with the brightest smile on her face, Elizabeth spoke about the changes that have come about in her community through World Vision’s help – from furniture in schools, to child rights – she covered so much in just a couple of minutes.

Once again though, it wasn’t just what she was saying – but this girl who was the triumph. In an area where it is common for young girls to look away when speaking to adults, particularly men, she spoke with such confidence, grace and hope. When I look at Elizabeth I see the bright future in store for her and the other children in her area, a future that would not have been possible without the help of World Vision and Kiwi sponsors.

Elizabeth is the symbol of success for Budekwa.
Find out more about Budekwa on WVNZ's website

 

My Week in Tanzania: Days One & Two

Day One

I started working for World Vision when I was 17 – 3 months after I finished High School.

An NZ Herald article from
my first year at WVNZ

It was only supposed to be a short-term gig while I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. At first that seemed to be working out, as I left 9 months later to study, but I was back just over a year later, diploma in hand.

I am now 33 years old, married with 4 children, and the pattern that I started at the age of 17 has continued. I have come and gone from World Vision for study, travel and babies.

Over the past 16 years of my life, 12 have been spent at World Vision New Zealand.

Since I have been around so long, a lot of the people I work with have often been surprised at the fact that I have never travelled to the field to see World Vision’s work in action. To be fair, I was never in a role that required it, so it was not something I resented. I also did not feel that I needed to see the work for myself because we have a lot of excellent people who do that on my behalf. However, I did have the desire to see WVs work for myself “someday”.

Well “someday” has arrived. I am writing this in a hotel in Bariadi, Tanzania. I was honoured to be selected to represent WVNZ at the closing ceremony for Nkoma ADP.

I feel like I have been travelling for a week just to get here. I have travelled as far as Scotland – but I have never felt further from South Auckland.

Being in Africa is so surreal. Probably because I am seeing for myself what I have been hearing about for nearly half my life.

We drove three hours from the airport to the hotel and I quickly discover why WV needs sturdy vehicles. It is a rough ride most of the way. My eyes were wide open the whole time. I did not want to miss a thing. (Apologies for the Aerosmith reference.)

There are people everywhere! They are walking along the roads, herding cattle, riding bicycles and motorbikes. I kept wondering - Where are they all going? Where have they been? What are they doing?

Tomorrow I will be going to Luguru ADP. This ADP is so new that no children are sponsored as yet. I feel completely open to what may be in store. Although I also feel apprehensive. I am supposed to be advising the staff on filming Child Greeting Videos. What if I don’t do a good job? What if I cannot answer their questions? What if it is just too hot to work?

My biggest fear is how much this trip will change me. I have seen people come back from trips like this and they have been so impacted by what they have seen that they are never the same. I can be scared of change – as evidenced by my employment history.

Bob Pierce - The founder of World Vision

Bob Pierce, the founder of World Vision, prayed for his heart to be broken by the things that break the heart of God. I don’t feel brave enough to pray that right now. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that I prayed that when I was younger and braver – so I fear that God may remember that prayer and answer it.

When I first became a mother I struggled with working for World Vision because suddenly every child was not just some poor child overseas. They were Lily, Melody, Abbey and Nathanael. I didn’t see strangers anymore. I saw one of my babies.

Although I found a way to deal with that, I am afraid of being overcome tomorrow when I go into the communities. What if I look at these children and start crying? That will be completely inappropriate. So I have decided to set the bar low. If I can get through the day without crying or accidently offending someone then the day would be a success.

Day Two


WV staff show the twins
their Child Greeting Videos

It is strange to think that only yesterday I felt like I was on another planet, because today I learnt that whether you are from South Auckland, or Bariadi – everyone is the same. I saw so much to remind me of home.

For starters I met a pair of twin girls who are fraternal, just like mine, one is considerably taller than the other, just like mine, and they have a sister who is two years younger, just like mine. When we asked if we could film their Child Greeting Video, they said yes, but not in what they were wearing. They wanted to put on some nicer clothes. What child does not want to look their best on camera? When they appeared in their best clothes they looked so lovely.  Later we met a mother who we wanted to film, and she exclaimed,  “You can’t film me wearing this!” I love that. I love that we are all the same.


The Luguru Dispensary

Unfortunately the contrasts in a place like this are startling, none more so than in the dispensary. This supposed clinic is made up of three rooms – one for seeing patients, one for giving vaccinations, and one for the mothers to give birth in.

Today pregnant mothers were coming to the clinic for their check-ups. 100 pregnant women arrive at the clinic every Monday. There are 7 staff who help to deliver at least 20 babies each week and care for all the mothers. They would like to have 12 midwives, but there is nowhere in the area for them to live.

Only 40% of women give birth at the clinic, but they face appalling conditions. There is no incinerator, and even though the women were speaking Swahili, I clearly heard the term ‘placenta pit’.

Most shocking of all is the fact that the clinic is lacking the most basic necessity – water. Women have to bring their own water to the clinic when they are in labour. How can this be a clinic if there is no water? This is incomprehensible.

Elizabeth, the Head Midwife, has worked
at the Luguru Dispensary for 10 years.
She is overlooking the site for the new Health Centre.

Change is coming though. We were shown plans for a new health centre that will hopefully be built in the next year. Several agencies are contributing to this centre, including World Vision and the government. But the most meaningful contribution is from the community. Every family will be making a contribution towards building the centre.

In the past World Vision would have seen the situation at this clinic and built the health centre ourselves. However, that makes it a ‘World Vision’ Health Centre. The community has no ownership of it. Having every family in the community contribute tells them that this is not our health centre – it is yours. World Vision will leave one day, but you will always have this centre.

The children loved looking at themselves on my phone and taking photos with me. (I might have liked it a bit too!)

Britain's Panel People...

Over the past couple of years I have made a lot of new friends. They are a group of people most of my loved ones know very little about. Amongst them are Noel, Jimmy, Lee, Sarah, and my bestie - David. The sad truth however, is that I only know them through the glory of YouTube - as they are all regulars on British panel shows.

I love British comedy, but I love British panel shows even more. I must admit that there are many reasons not to like them. They can be very crude (even offensive), I probably have very different views than the guests on them, and you often see the same people over  and over again on the shows anyway. But inspite of all that - I love them.
I have tried to analyse why this might be and have come up with a few plausible reasons:

• Perhaps it is because I can just have them playing in the background while I'm making dinner as they don't require too much attention.
• Perhaps it is because the humour can be biting, silly, sarcastic and intelligent. (Like me!)
• Perhaps it helps me keep in touch with what is going on in Britain, because I am a fan of most things Brit and hope to go back there one day - even if it is to retire.
• Perhaps because each panel show can stand on its own. I don't need to have seen last week's episode and it doesn't end with a cliffhanger leaving me desperate to find out what happens next week. (I stopped watching shows like that after the first season of Lost.)

But the simple fact is that I love these shows because the people on them are very, very funny, which makes them very, very likeable.

Through YouTube, I have been introduced to so many comedians at their best. Some of my favourite panel show moments are not when questions are being answered but when the guests are free to banter amongst themselves. You could argue that the banter is the whole point of these shows, not the questions.

I read an article a while ago declaring that it was time to put a stop to the numerous panel shows. But when I read this week that we will soon have a brand new show hosted by my all-time favourite panel show regular - David Mitchell - called 'Was it Something I Said' I could not help but feel a sense of excitement at the thought of another panel show to add to my YouTube viewing. Yet I am very aware that so many people do not know the joy of the panel show, so here are my top five to get you started:

1. Would I Lie To You
I am starting with my absolute favourite. Would I Lie To You is hosted by Rob Brydon. There are two teams - one led by Lee Mack and the other by David Mitchell. The reason this show in particular stands above the rest in my mind is largely due to the chemistry between these three, but also their individual moments of brilliance.  (Which is why I avoid the first two seasons as they were hosted by Angus Deaton. Not a fan.) 
The premise is simple - someone in the opposing team will read a statement and the other team asks them questions to determine whether the person is telling the truth or a lie.
It has a broad appeal as it is 'PG', as opposed to the 'AO' shows further down the list.
I have so many favourite moments that I was tempted to give you a whole episode. But this is probably my favourite moment from all seven series so far. If you only check out one show on my list make it this one. So here you go. You're welcome: Would I Lie to You - Kevin Bridges

 

2. Never Mind the Buzzcocks

The title of this musical panel show is inspired by the Sex Pistols album Never Mind the Bullocks. 26 seasons have aired in 17 years. I first started watching it when it was hosted by Mark Lemarr, who was replaced with guest hosts for a season before Simon Amstell took the helm for four seasons. Since his departure a new guest host is featured each week. Hosts have varied from David Hasselhoff, Martin Freeman, Neyo and a plethora of Brits. However, in my opinion the addition of Noel Fielding as a Team Captain has made this show must-see YouTube viewing.
Although there are set rounds - including the Intros Round, the Identity Parade and Next Lines - the show often reflects the anarchy of its namesake.
No musician is safe from the jibes of the hosts and guests - even if they are on the show at the time. The opportunity to mock the B and C list guests is embraced, which surprisingly has only led to one walk-off.

Here is a clip of Josh Groban appearing in series 22. It is a great example of how this show combines music and humour, and provides an opportunity to see some celebs in a new light. (By the way, if you like Josh Groban as a guest, be sure to check him out as a host. He is surprisingly great.)

 

3. The Big Fat Quiz of the Year

The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2011

This show does what it says on the tin  - it is an annual quiz, shown every December celebrating the year's events, and is hosted by the funny and controversial Jimmy Carr. There have been some specials (the Big Fat Quizes of the 80s, 90s and Noughties) but usually we have to wait for the end of the year to enjoy this hour and a half quiz.
Three pairs of Brit celebs and comedians make up the teams. Once again, it is the chemistry and banter between everyone that makes this show great.  Frequent guests have included David Walliams, David Mitchell, Jonathan Ross, Noel Fielding and Russell Brand. This snippet is from last year's Big Fat Quiz of the Noughties.

4. Room 101

The title of this show is inspired by the torture room in the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four. It is the perfect show for a grumpy raver like me. Celebrity guests are invited to discuss their pet hates and try to convince the host to consign them to 'Room 101'.

Originally this show was a one-on-one interview but was revamped to the panel show format in 2012. Obviously as a panel show fan, I believe that it is all the better for it. Check this out to get a small taste of Room 101.

5. 8 Out of 10 Cats
Another Jimmy Carr hosted show - this time one that usually starts with looking at the events of the week, not the year. To be honest, my favourite episodes of this show are actually when they have been mashed together with another classic British show - Countdown, for their 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Specials.
Normally however the show uses statistics and opinion polls as the basis of its questions. This show is full of moments when you'll laugh and then say to yourself, "I probably shouldn't laugh at that!" (Not surprising, with Jimmy Carr leading the charge.)
They do not shy away when even the host is the subject of one of the weeks main talking points either. Jimmy Carr got himself into a bit of trouble in 2012 when it was discovered that he was using a legal loop-hole to pay only 1% tax. Gary Barlow from Take That was criticised as well, but as Jimmy Carr has taken the piss out of the government a lot (although to be fair - he takes the piss out of everyone), he got most of the attention. Including, as you'll see in this clip, from his panel show team captains.

 

So that's my top five - and it doesn't even include the great classic panel shows; such as QI, Have I Got News for You or the inspiration behind 7 Days - Mock the Week. Although they have all been known to make me giggle every now and then as well. So if my top five don't do it for you, try those ones out, and keep looking because no matter what your humour - there is a UK panel show to suit everyone.

I Swear

Contents may offend. Proceed with care.

My 8 year old twin girls have a new catchphrase. It is “What the H?”

Not “What the hell?” or “What the heck?” They actually say “What the H?”

I think they started off saying “What the heck” but were convinced by a family member that this was just like saying “What the hell” which is bad apparently.

It is funny to hear their first innocent attempts at swearing. I know it shouldn’t be funny, especially as a mum who is trying to set a good example for her kids.

Swearing can be a bit of a grey area though, and I’ve never read any advice about it. People just have different standards and make up the rules as they go along - like parenting in general really.

It was not a grey area when I was a kid though. It was a completely no-go zone. My mother could really display her wrath if we dared swear. (Even when I innocently asked her what a particular Samoan word meant.)The irony was that one her favourite movies is Beverly Hills Cop. Who can blame her? It’s a classic - but it contains several F-Bombs.

Recently my dad sheepishly confessed to me that he swore in front of my kids.

“Oh dear!” I said, feigning shock. “What did you say?” (That is – “What can I blame on you later?”)
“I said ‘bloody’” he confessed.

“Oh, is that all.”

Little did he know that his two year old grandson was saying “What the f@#k!” at one point after a certain Huz, I mean a certain person said that in front of him. Even though it is hilarious hearing a toddler say “What the f@#k” - I realise it is also completely wrong. (So please stop judging me.)

The rules and standards around swearing continue into adulthood and like a lot of things, it can be linked to childhood. I have a funny story to illustrate this. (Brace yourself.)

I don’t really say ‘f@#k, as in my upbringing it would literally result in having your mouth washed out with soap.
(By the way, I don’t know why I bother typing ‘f@#k’ because we all know that when you see ‘f@#k’, you are not reading ‘F-at sign-hash tag-k’. You are reading, well we know what you are reading. But I will keep up the polite pretence.)

So as I was saying even though I don’t often use that word, there is another word, that I did not hear until I was an adult, and I didn’t realise that some people find it even more shocking than ‘the F word’. Not until I encouraged someone to tell a story that involved this word.
"Tell the c@#t story!" I said.
I really made an impression.

The word that I find most hurtful is ‘bitch’. I have been called that twice in my adult life (to my face anyway) in very different circumstances and both times it felt like a knife to the heart. Strangely though, I don’t have much of a problem hearing it in movies or on TV, so it is not the word itself that is offensive.

On a similar note, I barely find the word ‘shit’ offensive at all. But I do not want to say it around my kids.

When it comes to ‘the F word’ there is definitely only a certain number of times I can hear it in a movie until I feel like my ears are being polluted. I call that the Beverly Hills Cop Barometer.

The phrase that I find most offensive is when people use ‘Jesus Christ’ as a swear word. When I hear that, I secretly whisper “Is Lord”. However, I often say “Oh Lord” so what is the difference? Well, in my heart I know that I am actually crying out for help, but I suppose other people may not know that, others may think I am swearing. So does that mean I should stop saying it?

So you see, it is quite complicated this swearing business.
When does a swear word become a swear word?

Is saying “What the heck?” really as bad as saying “What the hell?” because the intent is still there? If that is true then I am doomed to failure. Some of my favourite phrases would be treated as swear words because instead of the stock-standard curses, I revert to a long list of alternatives; which include Crickey Malikey, Monkeys, Jeez Louise, Scheisse, Crap, Fudge Nugget, Buggery Bollocks and more.

When I swear, I am usually stressed and these words and phrases kind of cheer me up in a weird way. Are they that bad? Ok Buggery bollocks is pretty bad, but are the others really that bad?

I long time ago someone challenged me regarding this very subject.

I said “Oh fudge!” in front of a lovely Christian girl who then said to me, “Why do you say that? Don’t you know that it is just as bad as the other word because of the way you’re saying it?”

Being far too cheeky for my own good, I replied, “You’re right. Oh fuck!”
It turns out she was wrong. “Oh fudge” was much better.
She was not amused but I thought it was funny as H.
 

 

When the cat's away...the mouse has no life

This week I have had the pleasure of being able to do a 'Macaulay Culkin'. Not the person you understand. Not someone like that person either. Crap let me just rephrase.
 
This week I have been home alone.
 
My four little ones have been away with their amazing grandparents (I have to say that to try and get them to take the kids next school holidays). Anyway, as I was saying, the kids have been away with their unbelieveably incredible grandparents while The Huz has been away for work.
 
Now you would think that when a fun and vibrant young woman is given a week to herself she would make the most of it by catching up with friends, tinkering around the house, perhaps taking time out to spoil herself with a massage or some shopping. I am certain that a fun and vibrant young woman would do that.
 
I did not.
 
I am a sometimes fun, often tired 33 year old woman. I know that's not many years - but I feel each and every one of them. And quite frankly, this time away from my family has been terrible for my self-esteem.
 
As a working mother it is so easy to blame the messy house, the loss of friendships and the lack of time for yourself on the kids. So a week on my own should have been the perfect opportunity to get a life.

But my week has been filled with work, more work than usual actually, and I am kicking myself over the lost chances to do the things that I complain about not having time to do.
 
The house is still a mess, I have not been to the gym this week, and the only friends I have seen are the ones I work with. Not that that is a bad thing, but I have only seen them at work. There have been no after work drinks or dinners. There has been NO going out and having fun!
 
Perhaps these things don't actually happen. Perhaps TV and movies and even friends have been lying to me. Maybe I have been carrying around the mistaken belief that when I go home I am missing out on something.
 
The thing is I have been married since I was 19 - that is 13 years of my short life. I would not change that for the world but it does mean that I do not know how the other half lives.
 
The other half being singletons. Or even couples without children for that matter because I have not known that life for over 8 years.
 
My assumption (and perhaps fantasy) is that after work these people meet up with friends at a different place each night - perhaps your friend's place, perhaps your's, perhaps the newest restaurant. Or even 'your place' that you guys always hang out at. You know the one. You've got your own booth. The staff know your names and your drinks. Last Christmas you even hung out their till the early hours sharing stories, laughter, gifts, eggnog and there wasn't a single child around to ruin...Sorry the fantasy is going too far. Moving on.
 
Perhaps after dinner you go to a concert or a comedy show. Or you just go home to your lovely, clean, streamlined, trendy house and have a bubble bath with a glass of wine before going to bed so you can get up early and go to the gym.
 
That is the life you single people lead right? It's probably even better for you young childless couples because you get the sex as well. And you're allowed to be loud. Bastards.
 
So you can imagine my dissapointment at the week I have had.
 
I went to see Iron Man 3.

It was great.
 
The end.
 
But wait  - that is not the end because don't even get me started on the food side of the week! How the heck do you cook for just one person? I have been living on crackers all week!
 
I know that at the heart of this problem is poor time management.
 
I could have easily got myself organised and arranged to have dinner with friends, planned a special meal just for myself and gotten a facial. But instead I worked a lot, did not clean the house, baked a cake for my wonderful workmates (I had a lot of love stored up that needed to be released), watched a lot of YouTube and wrote this blog.
 
The week has flown by and at the end of it I am left with the knowledge that my lack of social life and my messy house is my own fault and no one elses. How dare that family of mine get me to come to that realisation! They will be in so much trouble when they get home, which will be pretty soon. And it won't just be them walking through the door. They'll bring with them all their luggage making the house even more messy, their dirty clothes for me to clean, the peace and quiet will be scared away by talking, fighting and screaming, and any time to myself that I was able to appreciate will be gone!
 
They are all back tomorrow. I can't wait!
 

 

 
 
 

 

 

What I wish I had said to the angry man in McDonalds

Yesterday I had the joy of spending the whole day with my youngest daughter. She was well overdue for some one-on-one mummy attention, and to start our day I told her that we could go to breakfast at the restaurant of her choice. She is five so she chose McDonalds.

My local Maccas has the distinction of being known as have the slowest service in South Auckland, and yesterday was no exception. The staff looked very busy but no one was seeing the fruits of their labour, or the McMuffins of their labour for that matter. However, I was very aware of the fact that I was starting out on what I was hoping to be a lovely day with my little girl, so it was not hard to see waiting longer than expected for our breakfast combos as rather insignificant in the scheme of things.

You’ve got to pick your battles. Sure the service was terrible, but I’m not going to let waiting for a bagel ruin my day.

I was able to put this into perspective, but I could tell that some of the patrons were not. Tensions were rising. The natives were getting restless.

One man in particular was quite vocal about the fact that he was not happy that his family’s order of four hotcake combos had taken seven minutes. Fair enough.

This guy had a very kiwi look about him. Short shorts, tank top, tattoos on his arms, unshaven, beer belly. One of the Bush Whackers basically. He was there with his lady friend and two kids who looked very respectable, around the ages of 12 and 10.

He made his dissatisfaction known to everyone. So he received an apology from the manager, but apparently the apology she gave was not good enough. (I wonder what type of apology would satisfy for such an indiscretion?)

I did not hear what she said, but I’m guessing it was something like “I’m sorry” which in his words – ‘was not good enough’. Apparently he knew that she ‘wasn’t really sorry’ and she ‘should be ashamed her herself.’ (We obviously have very different views on what is worthy of shame.)

At this point the Maccas Manager and surrounding staff began defending themselves, saying there is nothing more than could do but say sorry.

Then he broke loose yelling profanities and racial slurs. Like great Maccas staff – they actually did the same back, but they were certainly not as experienced in being profane as the Bush Whacker was.

Not a great start to Mummy-Daughter Day to say the least. In that moment,  the thoughts that tend to race around your head were doing sprints around mine. Should I step in? What should I say? What will he do to me? Would I just make it worse? What will my little girl think if I do? What will she think if I don’t?

In the end all I could do was shout out asking him to watch his language. His lady friend was not impressed with me and told him so, but they quickly walked out of the restaurant. It was all over in seconds – well apart from the 7 minute wait that caused the situation.

For a few minutes afterwards I had running in my mind all the things that I could have said to this man – but now I can’t. But hey – I have a blog! So here is what I wish I had said to the angry man in McDonalds:

“Excuse me. I understand that you are angry. I completely agree with you that the service here is shocking, but your behaviour right now is far surpassing it. Don’t you realise that the way you are behaving and the language that you are using, including the blatant racism you are displaying is taking away from your valid complaint. Do you not own a thesaurus? Because trust me, there are plenty of other words you can use to express your anger.

But also, consider what you are getting yourself in to such a state about. You are letting a long wait for hotcakes ruin your mood and your morning. Breakfasts here are not even that good! Certainly not good enough for you to allow waiting for them to have this effect on you.

But the worst thing about what you are doing is that you are doing this in front of my child. I don’t know if you have noticed – but this is called a Family Restaurant – and you may behave and speak like this in your family but I certainly do not do this in mine. And if what you are doing right now is acceptable to you – I challenge you to look at the faces of the children you have brought with you this morning. I can tell just by looking at them that you have sent them on a journey from embarrassment to fear, and you have not even taken the time to check in on them. That is what you should truly be ashamed of.

If you do not care about what these kids think of you and the impact that you are having on them, then do you know what you represent to me? Everything that is wrong with South Auckland.

Why don’t you gain some self-respect and become a role-model for these kids? If you can’t do that, then at the very least, if you are ever in this situation again, remind yourself not to let a seven minute wait for hotcakes turn you into such a disgrace.”

In my imagination he would then be in tears thanking me for making him see the error of his ways. Yet I know that there is no way that a man like that would have let me say all of this. But what if he had? We’ll never know.

The Irish Politician Edmund Burke said, “‎Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.” That has been on my mind since yesterday.

It is interesting to me that I would have challenged the Bush Whacker to behave differently if this situation arose again, because that is the same challenge that I walked away with.

I regret not saying more. I just didn’t think quick enough, plus I had my little girl with me so it was probably wise to stay out of it.

Hopefully someone will say this to him one day. That is my hope for him and for all of the people like him in South Auckland. That will take a very good person being very brave and thinking very fast – faster than me anyway.